Becoming Resilient part three: Facing Adversity
It is one thing to want take action, it is quite another to do it.
Earlier today I spoke with someone who felt like a failure and that nothing good would ever happen for him. I realized that part of resilience is the mental and emotional component. Over the past few years I have faced a number of challenges from job loss and total lack of appreciation in my new job to theft and disregard for me to severe drought and floods, oh, and there was this pandemic thing. There have been times I have felt stress and anxiety, but overall I have handled the situations quite well. When I began to appreciate that how we handle adversity internally significantly affects the outcome, it became clear that this needed to be the next topic covered.
Is Anyone Coming to Save You?
When I was about nine years old, my sister and I were in a camper on the back of a truck. The truck was on an incline because my uncle was using it to retrieve his boat from the lake. While he was trying to get the boat on the trailer, we suddenly felt movement and saw water beginning to seep in. We stood on the seats as water began to spray in from more and more cabinets. Finally, one cabinet door burst open and water rushed up to the seats on which we were standing. This was actually good news. My aunt had been shouting that there were kids in the camper and two young men who happened to be standing nearby jumped in and had been pulling at the door trying to open it. When the water rushed in the camper, the pressure equalized and they could open the door. They took my sister and I to the safety of the shore. I have to confess that some of the details and my understanding of the situation was limited by my nine-year-old mind so some of this is based on my best understanding at the time. I think that the camper detached and floated. I remember watching that and thinking that had we been still trapped inside we would have an air pocket in which to breathe. Looking back now, if the camper had been floating then perhaps our weight may have changed that or even changed which part was the highest point. Our weight may have even held the camper down. On the other hand, I may have misperceived the camper detaching. In any case, the lessons I took away were that I can take action to save myself and that some people are willing to try to help.
THE BOAT LAUNCHING RAMP
I find those two points particularly interesting. Some people will say that you have to take care of yourself because no one is coming to save you. I find this useful because those who may rescue you may not be aware that you are in danger, they may try to help in a way that makes things worse, and there are people who will take advantage of those in a desperate situation. For these reasons I try to take care of what I can on my own. On the other hand, humans are social creatures. We survive best when we help each other. However, some people are not so fortunate to experience such tragedy and the goodness of humanity. Some suffer the worst experiences when they are most vulnerable. They don’t have the exposure the the helpful spirit of people. It is for these people that I write these words.
When my wife and I were about to move to our current house, we woke up and went out to our cars loaded down with boxes, only to find ash on the surface of the cars. In the next county, the one to which we were moving, a fire was raging. This county was separated from the house we were moving from by a mountain and more than a half hour’s drive. In spite of the distance and geographic obstacles, we were getting ash from the fire. A couple of years later I couldn’t get to work because a fire blocked my way. The year after that we were evacuated because of a fire. I have seen communities suffer from flooding, fires, and earthquakes. In these, I am always impressed by the way people pull together to help one another. Admittedly there are a few who take advantage of the situation trying to enrich themselves while multiplying the misery of others. I try to be a part of the solution, helping others in their adversity as I have been helped myself. This is part of the solution.
ASH ON THE CAR
What is Your Focus?
Allow me now to switch gears and talk about another, much less stressful situation from which I learned. It was my first ‘real’ job and I was being asked to work on Saturday for the first time. I usually had some volunteer work in which I engaged on Saturdays so I really didn’t want to go to my job. However, it was implied that those who did not agree to work were risking their employment. So I came in feeling quite irritated. Then I had this idea. If I don’t want to be here but I have no choice about being there, I could choose to make the best of it. In fact I even stated that I was going to enjoy it whether I liked it or not. The surprising thing was that it worked. You may be thinking that it’s easier said than done and you’d be right. The even more surprising thing was how frequently I failed to apply this same lesson in the same and other circumstances. I have failed to apply in on most days I had to work when I didn’t want to. I have failed to apply it so often and rarely even remembered that I had such a thought. Over the past few years I have been learning more about this and similar thinking patterns. The more I have ingrained them, the easier they have become to implement.
Here is your next tool: what you experience is determined by what you focus on, the meaning you assign to it, and how you choose to react. For example, I had to sacrifice my volunteer work for my job. In that situation, I chose to focus on everything positive I could find about it. The meaning I chose to assign to it was that I was enjoying it. I sought to see whatever good I could. Here is another example. When we were evacuated due to the fire, we ended up staying in a city in which there was a house that was used in a famous movie. Although I had driven through and even to this city, I had never stopped to see this sight. During the several days we were there waiting to learn whether our home was destroyed, we finally went to that location. True, it was a small thing, but it was the highlight of the trip. I try to view life as an adventure. I have lived in some poor accommodations in my life, one was a converted tool shed. Yet I have tried to view such difficulties as part of the adventure. The point is that much can be gained by changing one’s focus. By focusing on the good, or at least the interesting, in a situation it becomes easier to endure. Now, I don’t recommend pretending that the bad aspects do not exist, but rather I try to recognize the bad and understand what the consequences are, but then focus on the good.
The Mental Toll
FIRE HEADING TOWARDS US
One hot Friday in July, about halfway home from work, I passed some hills that were billowing smoke. It was another twenty minutes to my house by car so I wasn’t too concerned about it reaching my home. On Saturday, while we worked at setting up for opening day of our plant nursery, dark smoke filled the air. By Sunday, the fire was moving fast in our direction. We decided to take the precaution of postponing all of our plans and prepare for an evacuation. I had loaded up some supplies in the car but we did have a problem. We had four dogs, a cat, a bird, and ten rabbits. We had no way to practically transport them all at once so we drove past the fire to the next county to buy a flatbed trailer. We figured that we would need it anyway so we might as well get it now in case we needed to evacuate. As tends to happen when one is in a rush, things went wrong. At first there was some problem with our payment. Then the store had to unstack the trailer, ours was at the bottom of a pile. While my wife was finishing up the paperwork, I was assembling it. We hooked the trailer up to the vehicle but it sounded funny. We stopped and checked that everything was secure. In the early afternoon, we were heading over the bridge to get on the freeway to go home when we got the alert that the highway was closed and that we needed to evacuate. Not sure how to proceed we stopped by our son’s home which was nearby. We were unsettled. I feel a great responsibility whenever I take an animal into my life, a responsibility that lasts for the life of the animal. Although we could have easily stayed where we were, we decided to take a long drive to approach our house from the opposite direction. We ran into a traffic jam of people fleeing from the fire. Finally, we were able to turn off of the highway and take back roads to get home. As the sun was setting, we were about thirty minutes from home. Then the traffic slowed down. Then the cars stopped. There was a checkpoint and law enforcement was turning all the cars around. Our hopes sank. Then I noticed one car that was allowed through. When it was our turn at the front of the line we explained that we have been trying to evacuate all day and that we only went out of town to get the means (the trailer) to evacuate our animals with us. We were allowed to go through if we were quick and came back out as soon as we had everything. Our lungs burned as we raced through the dry, ashy air loading our animals. Driving out reminded me of some post-apocalyptic movie. There were no lights, no activity, and ash and smoke were everywhere. Once we were past the checkpoint we were able to better secure and shelter the animals for the long journey to a relative’s home where we could bring such a large number animals. It was usually a ninety minute drive away. I don’t remember how long it take using the longer, mountainous route, but we arrived well after midnight. We unloaded what we had to and left the rest for the morning.
DECIDING WHAT TO DO NEXT
I had held myself together throughout the ordeal quite well. However, here’s the part many people don’t know about. When a person undergoes a stressful situation, there is always a mental toll that is taken. For myself, I had to pay it starting the next morning. I had a headache. I was slow and tired. I was barely functioning. I continued to feel stress the entire time we were evacuated. This phenomenon affects different people in different ways. We can all put our emotions on hold for a little while, but we all must deal with them eventually. Some common symptoms are changed sleep patterns, a lack of motivation, and withdrawing socially. Some things that help are sticking to a sleep pattern as best as one can and reach out to others for help (in other words, do the opposite of what one feels like doing). Just talking about what you are feeling can do wonders. Many people went through this with the pandemic. If you developed habits that served you well during that time, continue the practice, even when everything is going well. This gives you better access to these tools when you really need them.
UNLOADING THE TRAILER BACK AT HOME
Conclusion
What I have covered here has just scratched the surface of the topic. My hopes are that you are able to take the part that interests you and find better resources to help you improve. Some people find this in belief systems. Some find help from the words of wise people. Some find help in various organizations. I will include links to some who have inspired me. These may not be what resonates with you. Don’t limit yourself to what works for me. Over the past few years I have found many sources of inspiration and growth. Find free sources like books, ebooks, and other media available at the library. I have also used podcasts, online articles, and videos. These days, much of the content produced on the internet and elsewhere is just that, content, videos and articles designed to get views. The view generate revenue. The best sources offer great value. When I find such sources that give such great value for free, I feel confident spending money to dig deeper. Find that which makes you more resilient.
Links
One Final Thought
As I read over this series of articles it seems as though my life has been one huge disaster after another. I would like to point out that, at least to me, it has been quite the opposite. These hard times were very brief. I look back on my life so far and see many happy times with a few bad ones thrown in. Perhaps this is because I choose to focus on the good times. Perhaps it is because I viewed the bad times opportunities for learning lessons I could apply throughout the rest of my life. Whatever the case, I don’t view my life as a series of unfortunate events. Rather, it has been a journey of growth. Consequently, when I face challenges today I am better equipped to handle them. I also appreciate the opportunities to help others along the way.
As you look back on your life’s journey so far, what do you see? Has your life been a tragedy? Could you look at it differently to see it as and adventure? What’s more, you are not living in your past. You are always living in the present. I have many happy memories of my past and many lessons I’ve earned (yes, that’s earned, not learned). I use these to prepare for the future. As we face adversity we develop the skills to cope, survive, and perhaps even conquer. In every challenge there is a gift. In facing a challenge, seek the gift. It may not appear when we want it nor take the form we want or expect. However, the more we seek it the more we will be able to receive it. May you find the gifts in your challenges and learn to face adversity with confidence.
As Simon Sinek says, “Take care of yourself. Take care of each other.”
Links to the rest of the series: